That makes me feel fan-fucking-tastic.
I fucking hate everything.
I hope I get into a fucking car accident on my way home.
I didn’t feel good that day, but I didn’t care. I was spending time with you, so I was happy.
After school, everything was so cute. Even though I followed you around like a lost puppy….but still. The way you acted was adorable, and I loved every second of it. And when we were sitting in the auditorium chairs, and we got really close, I was debating on whether or not to kiss you. I didn’t, though, because I figured it would be a bad idea. /:
Things were good until International Night started. You had to run around like crazy, and I was just standing backstage like a derp. Everyone was loud, so the little headache I had became worse. I fell alseep backstage. Ha. But yeah…once International Night started, the cuteness stopped. Even when we weren’t doing anything backstage. I mean, it was kind of cute when we were sitting in the back of the auditorium when everyone went to get food, but after that…idk. It stopped, and it made me sad.
But I realize that we aren’t dating, so you don’t have to be cute with me…
And there were other people around, so I can understand why you wouldn’t want to be cute with me infront of them…
But really. You make me so happy. I love you, so much. I just want to be yours again..
But I don’t want to ask about it on here for personal reasons.
I need help, though. Not about depression, or anything like that. It’s something else.
If anyone is good at helping with any sort of issue, can you please message me or something? It’s not that big of an issue, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I just need help understanding…
It’s actually kind of bothering me.
Please and thank you!
I don’t mean in the “omg, it’s 9:30 in the morning! I should still be sleeping right now!” kind of way…
I mean, why am I alive/awake? Why can’t I be dead? Or just….not here…?
I feel like I’m not important anymore. I feel stupid. I feel like shit. I feel stupid. I’m sad. I feel stupid. I feel regret. I feel stupid. I just feel like a waste of time to you now. I FEEL STUPID.
Why? All because you didn’t reply to my message.
Really? I regret sending it to you. I feel so dumb because you didn’t reply. You don’t feel the same way anymore, right? Is that why you didn’t reply? You could just tell me…did you just not know what to say? Are you ever going to reply…? /:
It’s probably stupid for me to do this because of everything that happened, but I’m still waiting. I’m still hoping. I’m still wishing. And I still love you. So fucking much.
Why would sending me a picture of yourself shirtless, or one of you naked, make me happy? How would that even put a smile on my face?
I’ll admit you have a nice body, and you’re cute, but you have a fucking GIRLFRIEND. And you made me feel like complete shit all of last year! Are you serious?
If anything, sending me a picture of yourself would make me feel worse. Way worse.
But you sent me the picture of yourself shirtless anway…it made me think about everything you put me through last year. How terrible you made me feel. How you fucking lead me on.
It made me realize that almost everyone treats me like shit.
It made me realize that everyone hurts me, and everyone leaves me.
It made me realize that I am not lucky, at all.
It made me realize that I’m not supposed to be happy. Ever.
About all that happened….
It’s making me become mad at myself. I just want to punch something, or hurt myself really badly.
I’m so frustrated. I hate myself so much right now.
When you’re so used to something that when it stops happening…you just don’t know what to do with yourself…
Like getting “good morning” texts, texting someone all day, flirting, walking with someone in the hallway, etc.
You wake up in the morning, hoping for a “good morning.” It doesn’t come. It’ll never come anymore. You instantly become sad…
You have that special someone. You text each other pretty much all day. One day, something happens, and you don’t text each other anymore. You sit there, checking your phone every minute to see if they texted you. They didn’t. You keep checking, even if you know that they won’t text you anymore. Texting them was the greatest part of your day. Now that you don’t have that anymore, you don’t know what to do? Should I text them? No, that would be weird…wouldn’t it? You’re used to saying cute things to them, so you wouldn’t know what to say. Am I supposed to move on? No, it’ll be too hard. You’re afraid. What if they come back? Wouldn’t that be great? But what if he doesn’t? Then you’re stuck….Should I find someone else to text? No, you can’t…what if they come back to you? Then you’d feel bad about texting the other person..
Say you flirt with someone. They flirt back. You think it’s great. You start to really like them, but BAM! They suddenly have a boyfriend/girlfriend. Turns out, they were flirting with other people as well. So, what do you do? What are you supposed to do? You can’t stay attatched to them, but you also can’t find someone else right away…
You know how when you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, and you walk with them in the hallways at school? Well, what happens when you break,up? You’re still friends, but do you still walk with them? Would it be bad if you don’t walk with them? You want to, but you just don’t know how they feel. Plus, you don’t want to end up going to your class early….
Seriously, WHAT DO YOU DO?
I have no idea what to do with myself anymore. I feel lost. I feel empty. I feel…awkward…
I really need help..
Just a few cuts will make the pain go away, right?
I really fucking hate myself right now. I really don’t want to be here right now.
I don’t deserve to be here.
All day, all I could think about were ways to kill myself. All. Day. Ever since everyone picked on me in my psychology class.
I feel like shit. Complete fucking shit.
I hate my life.
I don’t think I can do it; not because I don’t want to or anything, but because it’ll hurt like hell.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to look at you, and not think about what we had. I don’t know if I can go through everyday, knowing that you’re not mine anymore. I just don’t think I can do it.
But if it’ll keep you around, then I’ll try. I’ll try really fucking hard.
I love you. So much. It hasn’t even been a full day, and I already miss you like crazy.
I’m sorry I’m not good enough..
And today it was twice as bad…
I don’t know why, but I just can’t eat anymore.
But it’s funny…..everyday, my family sees me struggle to eat my food. Everyday, they see me throw away half, or more than half, of my dinner away. They don’t question me. They don’t say anything. They just let me walk on by…
Thanks for caring about my health, guys. You’re all great.
I normally don’t think about it during school. It normally happens at night, when I’m alone. But recently, I’ve started thinking about it more and more.
I wake up in the morning, and all I can think about is how I don’t deserve to wake up.
I go to bed wishing that I don’t wake up the next day.
Now, I’m thinking about it at school. I didn’t even start thinking about it until I was in my Psychology class.
I was sitting there quietly doing my work. We were doing something where we had to color, so I took a box of colored pencils, and put them between me and the girl I was sitting next to so that we could share. The girl next to me finish, but I was still coloring. The girl sitting next to her took the box. I had to find a few more colors, so while she was coloring, I took it back. The girl asked, “Kassandra, can I have that back?” and said kindly, “yeah, hold on. Let me find a few more colors.” The girl started saying very loudly, “wow, Kassandra. Really? You don’t need to be a bully about it. Manzo, did you hear that? Kassandra is so mean.” Now, Manzo is our teacher. She is very sarcastic. Manzo said, “Kassandra, what are you doing?” and I said “nothing! She asked for the box, so I kindly told her to wait…” and the girl who asked for the box said, “no, she’s being really mean about it..” and I said “I’m not mean…” and the girl said, “yes you are! You’re a bully!” and then the kid infront of me said, “yes, she is! She tried pushing me down the stairs once!” The kid next to him turned around and said “you’re weird!” Everyone laughed. Then my teacher said, “one time, Kassandra actually came up to me and pretended like she was going to hit me. She even pretended to swing, but then she ended up hitting my cheek. And then she laughed about it.” Then the kid who said I was weird said, “she trips me in the hallway sometimes!” …yeah…all of those things about being a bully aren’t true. But everyone in my class kept.adding to it.
Then, they talked about moving the kid I sit next to’s seat. I yelled, “you can’t move Wingler! He’s the only one who’s nice to me back here!” and they said “that’s because, no offense, but he just kind of sits there…”
THEN, the girl I sit next to hit me. I hit her back. Of course, Manzo had to see… “Kassandra!? Did you just hit Jenna!?” I didn’t know what to say, so I said, “I’m just not gonna say anything…” and the girl who started the whole mess said, “that’s probably the best thing to do…”
I’ve never wanted to hurt myself so badly ever before in my life…I feel so shitty.
And to top it off, my boyfriend just broke up with me via text message. For what reason? I don’t know…
It’s so hard for me not to cry right now. So, so hard.
And all I can say is “it’s okay” and “I’m okay.”
I just want to die. Please?
Not because I’m cold, but because I’m scared and nervous.
So many thoughts are running through my head right now.
I feel like I’m about to cry, but I don’t even know what’s wrong yet…